Matthew: The Difficulty of Relationships (19:1-12)

This sermon was preached to Grace Church Guildford on 11 February 2024. The audio recording of the sermon can be found below along with the transcript.

‘What difference does Christianity make? How does all this talk about God, church and the Bible, help you when you face everyday problems? Yes, religion is a nice hobby on a Sunday, but what difference does it make on a Monday: when you return to work, sit in class, are dealing with family and friends? Christianity says a lot about heaven, but what use is it for life here on earth?’ I wonder if you have ever heard someone say something like that. Or have wondered about that yourself. Maybe you are here tonight, and this is what you think. Nothing seems less relevant to your life right now, than religion. Well, if that is the case, then I trust our passage this evening will help you to see that Christianity is relevant to your life. That the Bible actually speaks to, can guide you through, some of the most practical and personal problems you could ever face. Indeed, the Christian faith is one of the few things in this world that offers real answers to hard questions, real help for even the most difficult situations.

Over the last two years, we’ve slowly been working our way through the book of Matthew, this historical account of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. Just before Christmas, we finished Matthew 18, where Jesus preached a sermon all about the church. He warned us, that as brothers and sisters together in God’s family, we still struggle with sin, and so there will need to be a lot of forgiveness shown between us all. Just as the Father forgave each of us, we must learn to forgive each other. That’s the final point that Jesus makes in his sermon in 18:35: [READ].

However, tonight, we start the next section of the book, which stretches all the way from Matthew 19 up to 23. These chapters tell us the story of Jesus making his last journey to Jerusalem. That’s how Matthew begins in 19:1, reminding us that Jesus is on the road, travelling from Galilee in the north to, Jerusalem, in the south. In our passage tonight, we hear that just after Jesus crosses the border into Judea, the region where Jerusalem is located, he is confronted by his opponents, the religious leaders, who come to challenge him. In 19:3 we read: [READ].

That question from the Pharisees sets in motion a series of stories in which Jesus teaches us all about the family. Not the spiritual family, like in the last chapter, but the physical family. If Matthew 18 told us about the church, Matthew 19 tells us about the home. In our text tonight, Jesus will talk about marriage and singleness. And at the start of our passage next week, from 19:13, he will also teach us about children. Marriage, singleness and children. These are the three topics that Jesus teaches on in the first half of Matthew 19. We are only going to cover the first two in our text tonight: (1) The Permanence of Marriage (19:3-9); (2) The Purpose of Singleness (19:10-12).

1.     THE PERMANENCE OF MARRIAGE (19:3-9)

Right up front, I think it is important to acknowledge that our sermon this evening will deal with a difficult subject, for the Pharisees question in 19:3, relates to the topic of divorce. And divorce is a tough topic to talk about. It’s tough for at least two reasons. First, divorce is difficult to discuss from a pastoral perspective. Few things can be as devastating than the breakdown of a marriage, whether it is your own marriage, or those that you love. And so, I recognise that this might be a difficult passage for some of you to look at, a tough topic for you to hear teaching on. If that is you, I’d encourage you to come chat to Jamie, one of the other elders, your FG leader, or myself after the service if you have questions or want to talk or pray together. We recognise that divorce is difficult pastorally.

However, the second reason divorce is a tough topic to talk about, is it is also difficult from a biblical perspective. You see, the Bible gives direct instruction about divorce on around 6 occasions, and yet it is not very easy to work out what it actually says about it. For when you read those passages, you realise each of them is slightly different. For example, in Deuteronomy 24, Moses teaches that divorce is permitted in cases of martial indecency, which means some great shame or scandalous sin. However, in Matthew 5, Jesus says divorce is only for cases of sexual immorality (i.e. a particular kind of scandalous sins). And he says the same here in Matthew 19. For when asked what Moses meant in Deuteronomy 24, Jesus replies in 19:8 that Moses allowed divorce as an option due to Israel’s hardness of heart, and in 19:9 Jesus states that divorce can only take place in cases of sexual immorality. And yet, what Jesus says is complicated by the fact that when you read Mark 10 and Luke 16, Jesus suggests in them that there are no grounds for divorce, he gives a complete prohibition. And as if that wasn’t confusing enough, when you read Paul in 1 Corinthians 7, he doesn’t mention indecency (like Deuteronomy) or sexual immorality (like Matthew), nor does he give a total prohibition (like Mark or Luke), but he discusses divorce in cases of abandonment, where one spouse physically leaves other. And it is really hard to work out how these 6 passages all fit together. That is the second reason why it is so difficult to deal with the topic of divorce. Not only is it pastorally sensitive, but it is biblically uncertain.

Given this uncertainty, it is hardly surprising that throughout history, Christians have held to a variety of views. The view of many historically has been that Christians should not pursue divorce under any circumstances. The Roman Catholic church still holds that today, and some Protestants (e.g. John Piper) also hold this position. They suggest that while divorce was an option under the law of Moses, and that this would have been in place at the time of Jesus, it does not apply to Christians today. Which is why Mark and Luke do not permit it for their readers. However, others come to a different conclusion. Reading this passage in Matthew, they argue that Jesus seems to say here that divorce is only allowed in cases of adultery. And that is the view you find in parts of Baptist history. For example, in the Baptist Affirmation of Faith 1966, which is part of the We Believe book that we sometimes use as a church. However, the view that has been most popular among Protestants in history (including everyone from John Calvin, right down to most evangelicals today), is that there are 2 potential reasons for divorce: (1) adultery, as implied in Matthew; and (2) abandonment, as suggested by Paul in 1 Corinthians 7. Those are the three main positions historically: (A) no divorce; (B) divorce for adultery; (C) divorce for both adultery and abandonment.

As a church, we don’t all hold to a single position. Our members are going to differ on this topic, just as we differ on a whole number of other topics, such as our views about the timing of Jesus’ return, or what we believe about miraculous spiritual gifts today, or how we see certain aspects of creation from a scientific perspective. Yes, there are some crucial things we must all agree on to be together in the same church. But we don’t have to agree on everything. And where we do disagree on issues, we need to exercise love and patience, charity and kindness, and especially on this matter of divorce. For as we have seen, it is both pastorally sensitive and biblically uncertain.

However, I am very thankful, that while passages on divorce sometimes seem uncertain, the main point of our text tonight is not. Though it is helpful to spend some time familiarising ourselves with the different views on divorce, that is not the subject of our sermon. For we must not miss Jesus’ main point. Oh yes, the Pharisees want to talk about the problem of divorce, but Jesus wants to talk about the permanence of marriage. They want to drag him down into messy details and legal technicalities, but Jesus wants to remind them, remind us, of the bigger picture.

You see, in Jesus’ day, there were as many views on divorce among Jews, as there are among Christians today. Some Jewish groups rejected divorce completely. Others allowed it for sexual immorality. However, some said that Deuteronomy 24 means a man can divorce his wife for anything he finds indecent. For example, if the wife cooked an unacceptable meal, he could divorce her. Or if he saw a woman who was more attractive than his wife, he could go and marry that woman. This position of divorcing for “every and any reason” was popular at the time, and so the Pharisees decide to test Jesus with it. They want him to disagree with Moses, upset some of the crowd, perhaps even anger the authorities. After all, do you recall why John the Baptist was executed? Back in Matthew 14, John publicly aired his views on divorce, which angered King Herod, who then imprisoned and beheaded him. Perhaps these Pharisees were hoping that Jesus would talk himself into trouble, just as his cousin John had done.

And yet, Jesus refuses to get dragged into discussing legal technicalities. Instead, in 19:4, he points us back to the beginning, reminds us of God’s original design and intent for marriage. Oh yes, in Deuteronomy 24, Moses made some provision for divorce. But much earlier in the Bible, that same Moses had set out the overarching aim of marriage. Quoting from Genesis 1, in 19:4 Jesus replies: [READ]. And then quoting from Genesis 2, in 19:5 he continues, [READ]. These two passages, from the very beginning of the Bible, form the foundation for how Jesus concludes in 19:6. Can a man divorce his wife for any and every reason? Well, based on God’s original intent for marriage in Genesis 1-2, Jesus answers in 19:6, [READ]. What God has joined together let no man separate. Jesus says that marriage is permanent, that it is meant to last, made to endure until death do us part. Oh yes, Moses would later allow for a separation to take place in certain circumstances, but that was only due to the hard hearts of the people. God did not intend marriage to be a temporary transaction, a relationship can could be ruined or ruptured.

Brothers and sisters, do you see then why the disciples respond like they do there in 19:10? Against the backdrop of their culture which was increasingly allowing divorce for “every and any reason” (a lot like our culture today), Jesus’ emphasis on permanent lasting commitment sounded unrealistic, impossible, even naïve! Why would you put yourself in a position that no matter what the other person does, no matter how hard it gets, you continue to love them, never leave them. As a result, the disciples suggest surely it would be better not to get married at all! For marriage sounds like a life sentence, would be hard work. And they were right. A healthy marriage is hard work. It is hard work even when it involves two likeminded Christians, and it can be even harder when one spouse is not a Christian. […] And yet, Jesus says we should persevere, keep going no matter what, for marriage is permanent.

How can we do this? Where can we find the strength we need? Does the Bible help us through this most personal of problems? Well, I think it does, for our passage points us to the secret of healthy marriages. If we had just read through Matthew 18 before looking at this passage, that final verse of Matthew 18 would still be ringing in your ears. There in 18:35, we were told that we must not fail to forgive one another from our hearts. And so, when in 19:8, Jesus explains that divorce is due to the people having hard hearts, I think he is also saying the opposite. If divorce comes from hard hearts, then healthy marriages come from having soft hearts. Continuing to offer your husband or wife forgiveness, no matter if it is for the 7th or 77thtime. After all, as we thought about in Matthew 18, you can never forgive more than you have been forgiven.

And this forgiveness of the Father is the model that we must follow not only in the church, but also in our marriages. For even as Jesus is speaking here, he is on his way to make that forgiveness possible on the cross. Here he enters Judea, but soon he will enter Jerusalem. Here the Pharisees test him, but there they will try him, taunt him, torture him to death. On the cross, Jesus suffered for all the sins of his people, took the blame for all the wrong things we have done, so that if we turn from our sin and trust in him, enter into a relationship with God, we can experience full forgiveness forever.  We become the bride, the wife, of Christ. And no matter what we do, no matter how we fail him, he will never leave us, never give up on us. And Jesus says that reflecting that kind of commitment, is the secret that can help to sustain our marriages. Jesus says that marriages need mercy.

2.     THE PURPOSE OF SINGLENESS (19:10-12)

If Jesus describes marriage in 19:3-9, as a hard calling, then in 19:10-12, we see that he describes singleness as a high calling. Strangely, in churches, we often talk and act if it is actually the other way around. We talk about singleness being the hard option, sometimes involving loneliness and difficulty. And, of course, there is truth to this. Singleness can be tough. And yet, isn’t it striking that in our passage, Jesus instead emphasises the difficulties of marriage. Similarly, as Christians, we can speak a lot about the sanctity of marriage, the high calling it is to be a husband or wife. And again, there is something right about this. As we are told in Hebrews 13:4, marriage should be held in honour. For Ephesians 5 reminds us that we are portraying the relationship between Christ and the church. And yet again, here in Matthew 19, Jesus spends his time emphasising the high calling of singleness. It is the sanctity of singleness that he stresses. From this, I think we should see that both marriage and singleness are hard and high callings. And we should be mindful of this if we are tempted to be envious of each other, whether it is envy over the companionship your married friends enjoy, or the freedom your single friend has. For while the grass always seems greener on the other side, the Bible is clear that both have their blessings and burdens, their helps and their hardships. And as a church, we should always seek to hold onto this balanced view of marriage and singleness.

Indeed, Jesus’ teaching is so counter-intuitive, that if anything, he suggests that singleness is the better option. For when his disciples respond in 19:10, by saying that surely then it would be better then not to marry, Jesus agrees and teaches that this is what we should choose if we can do so. As he puts it at the end of 19:12, “The one who can accept this (i.e. singleness) should accept it.” And in case you are in left any doubt that this is what the Bible says, you can go and read 1 Corinthians 7, where Paul says the same thing. In the Bible, singleness is held up as the better option for those who are able to live that way. Who are these people that are able to live this way? Accept singleness? Well, in 19:11, Jesus explains “not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given.” This has led to Christians sometimes talking of the gift of singleness. And yet, we need to be careful, for Jesus doesn’t tell us that this is some kind of spiritual superpower that you are suddenly zapped with. Rather, in 19:12 Jesus explains that singleness is given by God in lots of different and somewhat surprising ways: [READ].

I am sure this is the verse you have all been wondering about. In tonight’s sermon, you are not only lucky enough to get an overview of divorce in history, but you are also getting an insight into the role of eunuchs in the ancient world. Something I am sure you often wonder about! Thankfully, Jamie dealt with eunuchs a few weeks ago, when he was preaching about the Ethiopian Eunuch in Acts 8, so I don’t need to go into all the details. Needless to say, a eunuch was somebody who had their sexual organs castrated in some way in order to fit them for special kinds of service. The most obvious example would be a man who was the personal servant of a queen, and so was castrated so that there would be no temptation or allegation of sexual impropriety. Such servants had to be single in order to properly prepare them for their special service.

And here in 19:12, Jesus talks about there being three different kinds of eunuchs. First, they are those who were born this way. This likely refers to people who are born without sexual organs, or with impotent organs. And in the ancient world, they might have been set aside for service as a eunuch, because their condition meant they were suited for it.

Second, there are those who were made into eunuchs, people castrated later in life so they could serve in these special ways. In the ancient world, this would unfortunately often involve the castration of a slave. These people would have been forced into singleness due to their circumstances.

However, the third and final category of eunuch that Jesus speaks about are not those who are single by condition, or even by their circumstances, but by their own choice. For Jesus says that some people will choose to ‘live like eunuches for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.’ Just as some people become eunuches to serve an earthly monarch, Jesus also teaches that some will choose to live like a eunuch so they can serve a heavenly monarch. Not physically castrating themselves, but rather choosing to live a life of singleness, for that gives them more time and energy, more focus and freedom to serve God.

As we seek to apply this to our lives, the obvious application is of course for those of you here tonight, who are not married, to consider whether that is a choice you could make. Would you be willing to live a life of singleness, not so you can just look after self, so that you can better serve others. Many Christians through out history have chosen to do just that: famous pastors like John Stott and Dietrich Bonhoeffer, or missionaries like Amy Carmichael and Corrie Ten Boom. They gave up the opportunity to have a spouse, so they could devote themselves and their lives more fully to Christ. Is that something you could choose? If not, why not? Yes, not everyone will be able to make that choice, but Jesus and Paul, both commend it, so it should seem that we should all at least consider it at some point. […]

And if you are currently single, whether it is by your own choice, or because of the circumstances you find yourself in (you desire marriage but haven’t found someone found yet, or you are now a widow or widower), see here that that is a gift that you should steward, an opportunity for you to serve in ways that someone who is married can no longer do. Are you making the most of that? Investing your extra time and energy in the right things?

However, as we close, I want us all to just take a step back for a minute and see what Jesus, what Matthew 19 shows us. Yes, it touches on two sensitive subjects, two topics that involve very practical and personal questions: Should I persevere in a difficult marriage? Should I seek singleness or look for a spouse? And when we come to such topics, we can be tempted to get sucked into the detail of the passage, just try to find the answer to those very important questions. However, as we close this evening, what I want you to notice is where Jesus finds the answers, where Jesus looks to when addressing those subjects.

Should I stick with a difficult marriage? How can I keep going in this relationship when it gets tough? Well, Jesus takes us back to the beginning, reminds us from creation what God’s purpose for marriage, purpose for a husband or wife is. It is back in creation that you find the answer to this question. And it is at the cross that you will find the strength to carry on.

And Jesus does something very similar when it comes to the question about singleness. No, he doesn’t take us back to the beginning, but forward to the future. He tells us to concentrate on the coming kingdom and make our decisions in light of our final destination.

Do you see what Jesus does? When making these decisions, dealing with these problems, it can be so easy to allow ourselves to become the centre of the universe. But Jesus tells us to step back, to look up. He tells us that there is a bigger story within which we can see our lives. Look back to creation and look forward to the kingdom. And make decisions, in light of both the start and end of the story.

Brothers and sisters, that is what christianity does, it gives you a story to live from, something to live for.

When culture loses these two foundations, it breaks down. If we aren’t sure where we have come from and where we are going, what we are here for and what happens at the end of our life, then no wonder we feel lost!!

It gives gives you a compass, a map, for all areas of life. It reminds you of the God who made you, and the King who saved you. And it is with that knowledge, that you can go and make tough, difficult decisions.  

Even if you are married, Paul says that in some ways you should live as if you are not. As 1 Corinthians 7:29 reminds us, the time is short. Even in the most personal parts of our lives we must make decisions as if we know Jesus if returning, his kingdom is coming. Where to live, what job to do, must all be figured out in light of the future. A future when none of us will be married – and all of us will be married. A future when there will be no human marriage or singleness. Even if you never have a wedding day on earth to look forward to, you can look forward to that wedding day in heaven. And in the meantime pray, “Here Lord, take my life, use it in whatever way you choose, because I can see the future.”